Today

I was glad to wake up this morning and be released from the extremely weird dream I was having.  As soon as I opened my eyes, the thought, "Today is the first of September" was realized in my half asleep brain and instantly I felt a pit in my stomach bring back some anxieties and oddly enough some memories of last year this time. 

Last year I was France and I remember waking up and feeling like I couldn't be getting any crazier.  Even though I was thrilled for the opportunity and I could taste adventure, I was a little scared.  Today, that exact feeling came back....and for what?  I am now in Rexburg, Idaho.  Let me repeat that...Idaho.  How could I be feeling the same way?  

It's true, that pit is still sitting in my stomach and as I review the details of my life and my next semester in my mind, I cannot understand what could possibly be more scary or more of an adventure than being alone in France and studying french immersion. But in 11 days my new semester will start and I will be the assistant editor on the BYU-Idaho Scroll newspaper and it will be FALL!  

My favourite time of the year is fall - don't ask me to explain why, because that post will most likely come later, but all I have to say is that I can wear boots and scarfs again and steamed milks and hot chocolate become a weekly delight to me.  What is there to not look forward to...really?

I think more than anything, that pit in my stomach is me feeling nervous about doing my best and feeling happy about it.  I am a perfectionist. Enough said right?  I will probably feel this way next semester too and when Dane and I pack our little home up and move away to grad school.  The first day of my internship and the list goes on and on.  

I sometimes look at those people who take life one day at a time and get so jealous of how well they can cope with the waves of life.  They lay back and relax and let life wash over them as if they are having the time of their life.  I am the one clenching to a piece of driftwood and scoping out where the nearest piece of land is, thinking of how I can get there and how fast and what exactly else I will need to accomplish.  My brain never stops thinking! 

I am lucky because I am married to one of those people. His sense of perspective rubs off on me and helps me realize that I will be just fine.  I think about his sister Amber who was struggling for life, but now is pushing forward and showing us all that God can make miracles out of broken, scared, and imperfect things.   

That pit in my stomach - maybe it is a good thing.  It means I am alive.